Huff Post: Men of the world, here’s a piece of advice: There are many ways to bring happiness to your Johnson, but sticking a fork into it isn’t one of them. Just ask this 70-year-old Australian man who was rushed to the hospital after he attempted that very feat: According to a report published in the International Journal of Surgery Cases earlier this month, the Canberra man was admitted to the hospital with “bleeding urethral meatus” after he stuffed a 4-inch fork into his urethra in an attempt to “achieve sexual gratification.” Fortunately, the report says the fork was successfully removed using forceps and “copious lubrication.” According to the report’s authors, this isn’t the first time that a man has attempted to insert a foreign object into his nether regions. Pens, safety pins, telephone cables, glue, cocaine, straws, marbles, light bulbs, carrots and snakes, among other strange things, have allegedly been found stuck in penises in the past. “It is apparent that the human mind is inhibited let alone creative,” the authors concluded. Needless to say, wedging objects into one’s penis is a hazardous activity. According to a 2010 study on the subject, the “urological consequences of this type of behavior can be significant and the implications for patients can be serious including death from sepsis.”
A lot of people might be tempted to call this old dude a freak, a sexual deviant, a pervert of some kind. Not me though, because the way I see it if you hit the age of 70 and still have the sexual energy to get all horned up and jam kitchen utensils into your urethra than just imagine the crazy shit this guy has experienced in the past. Don’t even try to tell me this guy hasn’t tried every bizarre sexual position in the Kama Sutra or every weirdly named sex act on urban dictionary. Guy probably gave his first dirty sanchez when he was like 11 and he is just running out of new things to try. Hell I’m in my 20’s and I’m lucky if I can get up the libido to jerk off before I pass out on my dirty mattress. Not this guy. You know what they say anyway, who needs a fleshlight when you shove a fork in your dick and get all the same pleasure?