So I’ve been looking for an accurate way to express the exceptional hangover headache confusion I had this morning and I think this might be the best way. Everything that happened to me last night was a total blindside. I went out to the bars, predictably spent way to much money, but surprisingly met a reasonably attractive girl. Ugly in real life no doubt, but acceptable for someone who looks like me, particularly in my drunken state. I spent even more money on her drinks and at 2:30 a.m. it seemed like a done deal until suddenly she tells me she doesn’t hook up with guys on the first date. Ummmm bitch what the fuck this isn’t a date I met you 2 hours ago in this very same bar. What’s the point of getting to know me if we aren’t going to slam genitals at some point tonight? Needless to say she didn’t agree with me, so obviously I went home alone, cried while attempting to masturbate to brazzers, and then woke up this morning half naked, hungover beyond belief, and still attempting to piece together what happened the day before. Probably not far off from how the Bengals punter woke up this morning, minus the getting rejected by a bare minimum 4. Hope you fuckers did better than me.

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