Elementary and Middle School Candy Rankings

So the other day I was in the dollar store, yes poor people stuff I know, but I walked down the candy isle and randomly saw a box of Runts. I hadn’t seen those in years and to be honest I didn’t even know they were still around. Got me reminiscing on the simpler times in my life back when I had a lot less to worry about. Now if you were anything like me in 5th-7th grade, you had two total things on your mind for 3 straight years, getting a girl to touch your penis and finding ways to get tons of candy. Generally both these things involved some elaborate plan to either heist the snack stand at the basketball game or “accidently” rub your crotch against some girls unsuspecting hand on the bus. Anyways, I bought the runts and ate them (still not bad actually) and it got me thinking what my ultimate power rankings for elementary/middle school candy would look like. Here are the five candies in no particular order that I would only trade for a handjob when I was 12 years old.

1. Sour Punch Straws

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They had these at the snack stand for all my sporting events and I don’t want to brag or anything, but I probably boosted at least 10 packs in my day. No joke I could actually feel cavities burrowing into my teeth while I chewed them, it was amazing.

2. Giant Pixie Stick

More prized than gold, I once saw a kid drop 15 bucks on one of these in the 6th grade because his mom basically didn’t let him have sugar at home. I think the kid who sold it actually still thought he got the worse of the deal too.

3. War Heads

Ahh the coup de gras of the sour candies. Kids used to pass out from eating like 50 of these on the daily in my 4th grade class. Just lost all control of the salivary glands from two much sour and started drooling all over their desks. I had a teacher who handed these out as a reward and another teacher who thought she could use them for punishment. That’s the essence of the war head.

4. Big League Chew

If you didn’t have a bag of this in your baseball pants during little league games then you just flat out sucked at baseball. I used to spit when I had this shit in my mouth so I could really get the full idea of having tobacco. Knocked Bunted many a home run with a fat lip of big league chew in.

5. Runts (Chewy)

Obviously I couldn’t talk about these and then leave them off the list. Chewy runts were like a better version of skittles, much like Oompa Loompas were. I haven’t seen the chewy kind since middle school, but if anyone can get their hands on them I better be the first person you tell.

Honorable Mentions- Oompa Loompas, Nerd Ropes, Pop Rocks

So there you have it, maybe you agree with my picks, maybe your thinking “why the fuck is this idiot blogging about candy.”

Cameron Diaz Says Girls Shouldn’t Shave Their Bush…Eww

Gross Cameron…just gross. I understand that once you get to 41 and your vagina is ripped to shreds from every actor you’ve ever worked with you might want to consider hiding it with a little bush, but Jesus don’t ruin it for the rest of us by telling girls not to shave or wax. I hate hair on women. I don’t think that makes me creepy or anything I just legitimately don’t want a girl to have hair any place except her head. I know KO Barstool and basically every feminist out there probably thinks that that’s a bunch of chauvinism bullshit, but that’s just how it is. If you’ve got a jungle hairy pussy than I’m not going to fuck you plain and simple (unless you let me). Cam Cam needs to cool her jets here and let me coach girls on the appropriate way to handle your lady parts. Wax everywhere and use lasers if you have the money. End of discussion.

Does This Look Like The Face of a Man Who Called Police 2,297 Times?

Keith Lukas, 43, pleaded guilty to calling the Hillborough County Sheriff's Office 2,297 times May 1, 2012, and December 5, 2013 to curse out employees

A Florida man wasn’t happy with the way the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office treated him and wasn’t afraid to tell them — 2,297 times. Keith Lukas, 43, pleaded guilty on Tuesday to calling the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office non-emergency line a total of 2,927 times between May 1, 2012, and Dec. 5, 2013. When Lukas called, he would belittle the dispatchers and use vulgar language while griping about how the Sheriffs had treated him in the past, WTSP-TV reported. Lukas has past arrests for battery, DUI, disorderly conduct and criminal mischief, according to NBC Miami. Authorities said Lukas would typically call several times a day. Sometimes, he would eventually hang up. Other times, dispatchers disconnected him after determining he did not need police or medical help, the Tampa Bay Times reported. Lukas was sentenced to probation. As part of the plea deal, he promised he would only contact the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office if he had a legitimate need for law enforcement or medical services, according to BayNews9.com.

Say what you will about Keith Lukas taking up Florida officers (valuable?) time, but don’t you ever say that the man isn’t the most dedicated complainer in the game. Just gets loaded in the middle of the afternoon and you know what he decides to do? Call the police a few dozen times and complain that they weren’t very nice to him in the past. He’s like your girlfriend when you fuck up one time and she brings it up multiple times a day for the next few years. Maybe an officer made fun of the fact that he looks like he just came out of a morgue and Keith feels like he’s entitled to an apology. I’m not here to debate the specifics of why Keith feels he was wronged, I’m just saying he damn sure felt like they owed him something. 2,000 phone calls in a year is mind blowing by the way. I avoid talking on my phone at all cost. Texting is literally the only form of social interaction I’m capable of at this point. I haven’t made 100 phone calls in the last year while Keith is chatting up law enforcement that many times a day.

PS-People who leave voicemails are basically the worst humans on this planet. You think I have time to sit there at listen to your shit? It takes like 5 minutes to listen to one voicemail. If I don’t answer my phone, hang up and text me like you live in the post fucking Civil War Era.

Man In A Barbie Costume Sneaking Into Bathroom Stalls

A California man is accused of sexually assaulting a woman while wearing a pink Barbie costume, authorities say. Gregory Schwartz, 40, was arrested Sunday afternoon in conjunction with the alleged assault, which took place Friday afternoon in the bathroom of a San Diego Big Lots store. The victim, who asked not to be identified, said she was using the restroom when the suspect entered her stall dressed in the Barbie costume. “I was looking and I saw two feet slowly planting on the floor and they were a man’s bare feet. He went underneath the stall really quickly and then he came into my stall and the door was still locked. I didn’t even have time to act,” she told KGTV-TV. “He grabbed my neck and he pushed me all the way against the wall and he started squeezing my neck and I start yelling from the top of my lungs and then he covered my mouth.” She noticed the suspect was wearing a Barbie outfit and suspects he stole it from the store. “I don’t know how it fit,” she told KFMB-TV. The victim fought back, and managed to escape. Schwartz ran out soon after with a jacket over his pink Barbie shirt. When a security guard confronted him, Schwartz allegedly threatened him with a screwdriver and ran off, NBC San Diego reported. Schwartz was arrested Sunday afternoon about a mile away from the store, Fox5 San Diego reported.

Lot of Barbie news in the world these days. First we got chicks claiming they are going to live off air and sunlight and now we got dudes dressing up in kids’ barbie outfits wriggling their way under bathroom stalls. One thing did grab my attention though. How fucking fast is this guy at slithering under stalls that the chick “didn’t even have time to act.” No way was this barbie mans’ first rodeo. He had a plan: wear a disguise, move quick and quietly, then get the fuck out. I’m not going to judge him for the fact that the only disguise available was a little pink dress, that’s just working with what you have. Only real fuck up he had was not getting away but hey, they even caught Frank Abignale eventually. I highly doubt this is the last we see of barbie bathroom man.