So the other day I was in the dollar store, yes poor people stuff I know, but I walked down the candy isle and randomly saw a box of Runts. I hadn’t seen those in years and to be honest I didn’t even know they were still around. Got me reminiscing on the simpler times in my life back when I had a lot less to worry about. Now if you were anything like me in 5th-7th grade, you had two total things on your mind for 3 straight years, getting a girl to touch your penis and finding ways to get tons of candy. Generally both these things involved some elaborate plan to either heist the snack stand at the basketball game or “accidently” rub your crotch against some girls unsuspecting hand on the bus. Anyways, I bought the runts and ate them (still not bad actually) and it got me thinking what my ultimate power rankings for elementary/middle school candy would look like. Here are the five candies in no particular order that I would only trade for a handjob when I was 12 years old.
1. Sour Punch Straws
They had these at the snack stand for all my sporting events and I don’t want to brag or anything, but I probably boosted at least 10 packs in my day. No joke I could actually feel cavities burrowing into my teeth while I chewed them, it was amazing.
2. Giant Pixie Stick
More prized than gold, I once saw a kid drop 15 bucks on one of these in the 6th grade because his mom basically didn’t let him have sugar at home. I think the kid who sold it actually still thought he got the worse of the deal too.
3. War Heads
Ahh the coup de gras of the sour candies. Kids used to pass out from eating like 50 of these on the daily in my 4th grade class. Just lost all control of the salivary glands from two much sour and started drooling all over their desks. I had a teacher who handed these out as a reward and another teacher who thought she could use them for punishment. That’s the essence of the war head.
4. Big League Chew
If you didn’t have a bag of this in your baseball pants during little league games then you just flat out sucked at baseball. I used to spit when I had this shit in my mouth so I could really get the full idea of having tobacco.
Knocked Bunted many a home run with a fat lip of big league chew in.
5. Runts (Chewy)
Obviously I couldn’t talk about these and then leave them off the list. Chewy runts were like a better version of skittles, much like Oompa Loompas were. I haven’t seen the chewy kind since middle school, but if anyone can get their hands on them I better be the first person you tell.
Honorable Mentions- Oompa Loompas, Nerd Ropes, Pop Rocks
So there you have it, maybe you agree with my picks, maybe your thinking “why the fuck is this idiot blogging about candy.”