IF JENNIFER LAWRENCE SAYING BUTT PLUG 80 BILLION TIMES DOESN’T TURN YOU ON YOU HAVE A CASE OF THE GAY

I’m not saying you 100 percent don’t like girls if you don’t get a boner from this video, I’m just saying you obviously are a gayball. Hearing Jennifer Lawrence talk about analing herself with 50 different size butt plugs for two minutes made me completely forget about the short hair and completely obsessed with knowing more about her masturbation habits. If that’s wrong I don’t want to be right. Love that she brought this up just knowing that absolutely no one would buy her “they’re for a joke” story. JLaw does anal and she wants the entire world to know it. I respect the hell out of that. Anytime she wants to talk about her hilarious times with butt plug mishaps I will be their in a heartbeat.

PS-How about Conan sneaking a “trust me I know” in there at the end. Eww bro I don’t want to know about your depraved ginger fucking sessions. Just ask Jennifer about her asshole and do your job.

JUSTIN BIEBER SO BORED WITH INTERVIEWS HE’S JUST MAKING SHIT UP FOR HEADLINES NOW….SAYS HE’S RETIRING

Huff Post: Is Justin Bieber retiring?! The 19-year-old pop star sat down for an interview with Big Boy for Los Angeles’ Power 106 station and made a statement that probably shocked lots of those Beliebers. “New album … uh … I’m actually retiring, man,” Bieber said. “I’m retiring, yeah.” “I’m glad you announced that,” the host responded. “I’m not gonna even play nothing else but that.” “I’m retiring, yeah,” he added, keeping a straight face. “I’m taking a … I’m just gonna take some time. I think I’m probably gonna quit music.” Apparently, it was all just one big joke, according to Gossip Cop. “Of course it’s not true,” a source told E! News of Bieber’s supposed retirement plans. Although it’s highly unlikely he will leave the biz for good, Bieber is looking to change some things up in his career.

Absolutely love it. The Biebs just announcing his retirement randomly during a totally legit interview. Probably just wanted to see 1 billion girls (and a decent number of guys) crying their eyes out for a few hours before someone told them it was a joke. Biebs has been at that glorious point for a while where he just doesn’t give a fuck, everything he says is liquid gold and people can’t eat it up fast enough. Smashing Selena on the reg, fucking sluts in other countries, causing girls to give up on life because “fuck it man I think I’ll retire or something.” That’s how Biebs does it. If you don’t like it, go back to 2010 because being a Bieleber in 2013 is not just a god given right, it is a blessing from above.

Sidenote- How boring must it be for Bieber to get asked the same fucking question 90 times a day for a year. Like oh Justin where do you see your career and musical future going? Umm he’s gonna keep putting out fire jams anytime he feels like it while simultaneously crushing the hottest pussy the world has to offer and dominating the internet. Or he’ll just retire man.

IS NICK SABAN TROLLING LANE KIFFIN?

LA TIMES: ESPN reported this week that former USC Coach Lane Kiffin was invited by Nick Saban to help evaluate Alabama‘s offense. USC fans would tell Alabama fans to expect a lot of “bubble screens” in the Tide’s Jan. 2 Sugar Bowl game against Oklahoma. The idea of Kiffin being a consultant to a coach who has won four national titles is pretty intriguing. Kiffin was fired by USC on Sept. 29 and eventually replaced by Steve Sarkisian.We’re not sure what’s behind this. Maybe Saban is trying to irritate Tennessee fans, who make it their daily ritual to rip Kiffin for leaving Knoxville for USC after the 2009 season.

There is no way in hell Nick Saban is actually taking advice from this jack off. Arguably the worst coach in the country who keeps getting solid jobs and everyone knows it. I’m guessing this is just Saban being Saban. Probably called up Lane and consoled him on the rough year, told him that every coach has their ups and downs, and then invited him out to ‘Bama to share some advice on the offense. Lord knows Saban loves to shake things up eats the same thing for breakfast and lunch every fucking day. I bet when Lane got there they put him in a film room with Saban and recorded all the advice he gave while all the assistant coaches stood outside the door laughing their asses off. It’s not like it would be hard for Saban not to laugh considering he can’t physically smile. He was just giving his staff a chance to laugh the one time they are allowed to a year. Nice troll job Nick, I’m thankful anytime someone makes Lane’s life more miserable. Fuck you Kiffin I’m glad you are out of here.

THESE GIRLS DON’T REALLY GET HOW LAWS WORK ON ASSAULT

Now I’m definitely no lawyer, but I’m pretty sure that when you follow a guy around the parking, poke him in the eye, and punch him, he’s allowed to swing back once or twice even if you are a girl. I’m not condoning hitting women, but if there was ever a bitch who had it coming it was this hobbit. I absolutely loved her range of emotions in this video though. She was screaming, laughing, crying, but mostly just threatening a guy who clearly wanted no part of her to stop touching her. I like how her friend was filming the whole thing from like 2 feet away just incriminating the short bitch. She walked away like “oh we will see you in court,” all bragging and shit. Unfortunately for her the girl is gonna get the assault charge…and in all likelihood a straight jacket as well. Power hump at 36 second mark!

FACEBOOK INTRODUCING AUTOPLAY ADS, CUE THE COMPLAINTS

HUFF POST: After months of rumors, Facebook announced that it will start testing autoplay video ads, the bane of Internet users everywhere, in NewsFeeds this week. In a blog post published Tuesday, Facebook carefully spells out what the new video ads will and, more importantly, won’t do: While sound on the autoplay videos will only play if a person taps or clicks on it, Facebook’s more than 1 billion members won’t be able to opt out of having the ads automatically start playing as they scroll through NewsFeed. On mobile devices, only videos downloaded while a phone or tablet is connected with WiFi will play, meaning that the video ads will not eat into anyone’s data plan. Facebook is characterizing the move as “an initial, limited test” that only “a small number of people will see.” This week, only one video ad will appear: A trailer for the new movie “Divergent.”

So this has been in the works for a while, but it looks like we are finally going to have to watch ads to get on Facebook. Whenever stuff like this happens all of a sudden everybody freaks the fuck out and talks about how unfair and lame it is. Oh you mean it’s really unfair that the site you paid nothing for and connects you seamlessly with literally billions of people around the world might want to earn a little extra money for their employees? Seriously people if Facebook or Twitter started charging 10 bucks a month to use them you know everyone would pay for it. They would complain, but they would pay. We are just a world full of whiners, which facebook is actually partly to blame for since it lets us whine to all 358 of our friends at one time. Kind of ironic actually. Anyway, I’m not even mad honestly, I understand that Zuckerberg has gotta get that jew money. He can’t even help himself, just like El Pres. By the way Pres what the fuck? I had to watch a fucking 15 advertisement on my Barstool App today. Probably gonna go tweet or post about how unfair that is while you horde all your jew gold that you are making off me.

THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FELT THIS MORNING

So I’ve been looking for an accurate way to express the exceptional hangover headache confusion I had this morning and I think this might be the best way. Everything that happened to me last night was a total blindside. I went out to the bars, predictably spent way to much money, but surprisingly met a reasonably attractive girl. Ugly in real life no doubt, but acceptable for someone who looks like me, particularly in my drunken state. I spent even more money on her drinks and at 2:30 a.m. it seemed like a done deal until suddenly she tells me she doesn’t hook up with guys on the first date. Ummmm bitch what the fuck this isn’t a date I met you 2 hours ago in this very same bar. What’s the point of getting to know me if we aren’t going to slam genitals at some point tonight? Needless to say she didn’t agree with me, so obviously I went home alone, cried while attempting to masturbate to brazzers, and then woke up this morning half naked, hungover beyond belief, and still attempting to piece together what happened the day before. Probably not far off from how the Bengals punter woke up this morning, minus the getting rejected by a bare minimum 4. Hope you fuckers did better than me.

DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE FACE OF A TEXAS WOMAN WHO STABBED A DUDE FOR NOT MAKING HER BREAKFAST?

Breakfast Stabbing

HUFF POST: A Texas woman is accused of stabbing a man in the arm with a screwdriver for not “fixing” her breakfast, according to the San Antonio Express-News. On Monday, Authorities charged Rosie Mae Strait, 39, with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon causing serious bodily injury. The man’s injuries were treated at the scene. Strait woke up from a nap and was furious that there was no food waiting for her after her slumber, WOAI reports. In this case it was food that allegedly fueled domestic conflict. Previously, it’s been music.

I think it’s a generally held rule that after a one night stand or random hookup, whoever is less attractive is on breakfast duty. There’s nothing worse than settling for a 3 and then in the morning she isn’t even grateful enough to whip up some eggs and bacon, or at the very least a bagel, for you. And on the flipside if I’m lucky enough to bone a 6 you better believe the table is going to be covered with every breakfast food imaginable in the morning. It’s just my thanks for letting me stick my wildly disappointing dick in her. All that being said, Rosie must have taken home a straight gargoyle if she is the one upset about not getting breakfast in the morning. Chick looks like Ricky Williams on the dolphins, manface city. But rankings are rankings, and if Rosie is a 1 than she must have slept with a negative 3 last night to be pissed enough to stab him with a screwdriver. Gotta know where you stand.